Quote

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Firsts
Comedy
Contained
First
Stand
Antidote
Giving
Five
Charge
Free
Glass
Funny
Glasses
Away
Dollars
Refill
Used
Second
Refills
Give
Humor
Lemonade

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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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