Quote

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Free
Glass
Funny
Glasses
Away
Dollars
Refill
Used
Second
Refills
Give
Humor
Lemonade
Firsts
Comedy
Contained
First
Stand
Antidote
Giving
Five
Charge

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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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