Quote

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Giving
Five
Charge
Free
Glass
Funny
Glasses
Away
Dollars
Refill
Used
Second
Refills
Give
Humor
Lemonade
Firsts
Comedy
Contained
First
Stand
Antidote

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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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