Quote

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Used
Second
Refills
Give
Humor
Lemonade
Comedy
Contained
Firsts
Stand
Antidote
First
Five
Charge
Giving
Free
Glass
Funny
Glasses
Away
Dollars
Refill

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
Emo Philips
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
Emo Philips
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
Emo Philips
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
Emo Philips
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
Emo Philips
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips