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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Leather
Encouragement
Sex
Worth
Humor
Comedy
Straps
Morning
Mornings
Funny
Chewing

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
Emo Philips
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
Emo Philips
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
Emo Philips
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
Emo Philips
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
Emo Philips
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
Emo Philips