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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Worth
Humor
Comedy
Straps
Morning
Mornings
Funny
Chewing
Leather
Encouragement
Sex

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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
Emo Philips