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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Humor
Comedy
Straps
Morning
Mornings
Funny
Chewing
Leather
Encouragement
Sex
Worth

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips