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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Doors
Friend
Funny
Next
Kids
Imaginary
Witty
Door
Friendship

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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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