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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Funny
Next
Kids
Imaginary
Witty
Door
Friendship
Doors
Friend

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
Emo Philips
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
Emo Philips
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
Emo Philips