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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Witty
Door
Friendship
Doors
Friend
Funny
Next
Kids
Imaginary

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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