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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Next
Kids
Imaginary
Witty
Door
Friendship
Doors
Friend
Funny

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
Emo Philips
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
Emo Philips
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
Emo Philips
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
Emo Philips
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
Emo Philips
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
Emo Philips