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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Checkers
Witty
Beat
Beats
Computer
Humor
Sure

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
Emo Philips
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
Emo Philips
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
Emo Philips
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
Emo Philips
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
Emo Philips
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
Emo Philips
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
Emo Philips
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
Emo Philips
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
Emo Philips
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
Emo Philips
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
Emo Philips
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
Emo Philips
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
Emo Philips
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
Emo Philips