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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Funny
Witty
Inspirational
Raise
Hands
Humorous
Many
Powers
People
Raises
Laughter
Comedy
Hand
More quotes by Emo Philips
I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
Emo Philips
One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
Emo Philips
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
Emo Philips
My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
Emo Philips
Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
Emo Philips
It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
Emo Philips
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
Emo Philips
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips
I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
Emo Philips
I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
Emo Philips
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
Emo Philips
I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
Emo Philips
I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
Emo Philips
If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
Emo Philips
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
Emo Philips
I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
Emo Philips
Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
Emo Philips
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Emo Philips
