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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Comedy
Hand
Funny
Witty
Inspirational
Raise
Hands
Humorous
Many
Powers
People
Raises
Laughter
More quotes by Emo Philips
My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
Emo Philips
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
Emo Philips
I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
Emo Philips
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips
A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
Emo Philips
I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
Emo Philips
One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
Emo Philips
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
Emo Philips
I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
Emo Philips
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
Emo Philips
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
Emo Philips
It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
Emo Philips
If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
Emo Philips
I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
Emo Philips
I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
Emo Philips
I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
Emo Philips
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Emo Philips
I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
Emo Philips
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
