Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Many
Powers
People
Raises
Laughter
Comedy
Hand
Funny
Witty
Inspirational
Raise
Hands
Humorous
More quotes by Emo Philips
If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
Emo Philips
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
Emo Philips
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Emo Philips
Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
Emo Philips
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
Emo Philips
Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
Emo Philips
I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
Emo Philips
I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
Emo Philips
I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
Emo Philips
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
Emo Philips
My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
Emo Philips
I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
Emo Philips
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
Emo Philips
One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
Emo Philips
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
Emo Philips
I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
Emo Philips
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
Emo Philips
My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
Emo Philips
