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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Inspirational
Raise
Hands
Humorous
Many
Powers
People
Raises
Laughter
Comedy
Hand
Funny
Witty
More quotes by Emo Philips
I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
Emo Philips
The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
Emo Philips
The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
Emo Philips
Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
Emo Philips
In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
Emo Philips
My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
Emo Philips
When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
Emo Philips
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
Emo Philips
I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
Emo Philips
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
Emo Philips
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
Emo Philips
Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
Emo Philips
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
Emo Philips
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
Emo Philips
I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
Emo Philips
I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
Emo Philips
The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
Emo Philips
