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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
People
Raises
Laughter
Comedy
Hand
Funny
Witty
Inspirational
Raise
Hands
Humorous
Many
Powers
More quotes by Emo Philips
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
Emo Philips
I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
Emo Philips
Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
Emo Philips
Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
Emo Philips
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Emo Philips
I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
Emo Philips
My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
Emo Philips
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips
I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
Emo Philips
When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
Emo Philips
Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
Emo Philips
I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
Emo Philips
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
Emo Philips
I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
Emo Philips
Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
Emo Philips
Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
Emo Philips
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
Emo Philips
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
Emo Philips
My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
Emo Philips
