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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Inspirational
Raise
Hands
Humorous
Many
Powers
People
Raises
Laughter
Comedy
Hand
Funny
Witty
More quotes by Emo Philips
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips
I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
Emo Philips
I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Emo Philips
A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
Emo Philips
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
Emo Philips
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
Emo Philips
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
Emo Philips
I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
Emo Philips
I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
Emo Philips
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Emo Philips
When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
Emo Philips
Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
Emo Philips
People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
Emo Philips
I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
Emo Philips
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
Emo Philips