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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Beat
Beats
Kick
Competition
Match
Computer
Kicks
Funny
Programming
Boxing
Humorous
Chess

More quotes by Emo Philips

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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
Emo Philips
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
Emo Philips
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
Emo Philips