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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Beat
Beats
Kick
Competition
Match
Computer
Kicks
Funny
Programming
Boxing
Humorous
Chess

More quotes by Emo Philips

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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
Emo Philips
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
Emo Philips
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
Emo Philips