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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Beat
Beats
Kick
Competition
Match
Computer
Kicks
Funny
Programming
Boxing
Humorous
Chess

More quotes by Emo Philips

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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
Emo Philips