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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Boxing
Humorous
Chess
Beat
Beats
Kick
Competition
Match
Computer
Kicks
Funny
Programming

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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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