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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Computer
Kicks
Funny
Programming
Boxing
Humorous
Chess
Beat
Beats
Kick
Competition
Match

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips