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It's just so hard to feel good, you know? I do know. And more than that, it's just so incredibly hard to feel. (54)

Ellen Hopkins

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Ellen Hopkins
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: March 26
Novelist
Writer
Long Beach
California
Ellen Louise Hopkins
Incredibly
Hard
Feel
Feels
Good

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You were a summer gift, one I'll always treasure. You were a dream I never wanted to wake up from. You opened my eyes to things I'll never really see. You're the best thing that will ever happen to me.
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That's what I'll be. A silhouette, rarely seen, and yet believed in. Kaeleigh wants to believe in me. I am her twin, forever alive inside her. And when she needs me, I am always here.
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Grown up? Me? I suppose I have. Killing things, and almost killing myself, must have changed me some, after all.
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Fake Is that what you are if you choose to improve the basic not perfect you?
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Yeah, I know getting high isn't so smart. Ask me if I care.
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Do you ever dangle your toes over the precipice, dare the cliff to crumble, defy the frozen deity to suffer the sun, thaw feather and bone, take wing to fly you home?
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Falling in love with someone is the surest highway to hurt that I know. When the door to love opens, the window to control closes.
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Funny how when your life is mostly bullshit, you turn off feeling. Sometimes it's hard to turn it back on again.
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Love without trust is nothing more than infatuation.
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Memory is a tenuous thing, like a rainbow's end or a camera with a failing lens.
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One kiss, I was totally hooked.
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The truth is, I've always been afraid of letting anyone get too close. I built a wall around me, a barricade to hide behind those few times someone wanted entry to my heart.
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Cleansed, chlorinated to the point of chemical peel, sore muscles relieved, I felt almost human again. Tiptoe to my room, up a darkened hall, past closed doors, I wondered if I'd ever feel completely human again.
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So when he asked about getting high, I didn't think, I agreed. We smoked some good California green. Took three tries to put me in the place he said I should be.
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The problem with being grounded is it gives you a whole lot of unavoidable time to think. NOt even pulling weeds can take away your ability to plot all the varied and wonderful things you might do to get even, or at least to make up, just get a smidgen for time lost to TV and yard work and house cleaning.
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But death doesn't scare me. To know exactly when I might expect it, up close and in my face, would actually be a comfort. Because to tell the truth, most of the time dying seems pretty much like my only means of escape.
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No way to get away. No way to get away. Little change to sneak away... insanity.
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Nonfiction speaks to the head. Fiction speaks to the heart. Poetry speaks to the soul. It's the essence of beauty. The essence of pain. It pleases the eye and the ear.
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He has built a pedestal for her so tall that she is afraid to be lifted atop it, because to fall would mean certain death. But oh, she would rise far, far beyond fear and be held by arms so strong, and love so pure, that falling would not be an option.
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My happiest memories have no place in the past they are those I have yet to create.
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