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Too much to take in, too much to purge. Why must every memory, once sweet, dead end in such ugliness?

Ellen Hopkins

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Ellen Hopkins
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: March 26
Novelist
Writer
Long Beach
California
Ellen Louise Hopkins
Ends
Take
Must
Purge
Much
Ugliness
Every
Memory
Sweet
Dead
Memories

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But, though I was very much in lust with him, I knew from the start we were nothing like forever. Maybe because forever is such a scary place.
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A best friend is your voice when you can't find it.
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Sometimes I'm not so sure just who I am either.
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The truth is, I've always been afraid of letting anyone get too close. I built a wall around me, a barricade to hide behind those few times someone wanted entry to my heart.
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Must be nice to have that kind of unshakable belief in a merciful higher power.
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She's no longer afraid to die. What she's afraid of is living, accepting the status quo.
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One foot in front of the other, counting tiles on the floor so I don't have to focus the blur of painted smiles, fake faces.
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Forgiveness isn’t my best thing. Easier staying pissed. But I’m tired of being pissed all the time. Tired of feeling hurt by stuff that can never be fixed because it is an indelible part of the past.
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I haven't cried since Mom died. I mean, after something like that, what's left to cry about, right? But I let myself cry now. Loss is loss. Doesn't take death to create it. (266)
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But hey, I'm not exactly sold on the idea that love is, in fact, real. Will it find me one day, overtake me, infiltrate my life like sunlight snakes through the cold of morning? Can love thaw me? will it ever?
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Life is full of choices. We don't always make good ones.
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Eventually, it becomes a matter of scale. When the good outweighs the bad, you stay. When the bad is the only thing you notice anymore, you think about your future, or what's left of it, consider options.
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Something stirred beneath my skin, some being inside I'd only suspected existed, demon or angel, I couldn't say.
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I know he wants to get serious. He's definitely not a player, not a poser, not a loser, not a user.
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I don't love him, & he definitely doesn't love me. Still, he semi-fills a gaping black hole inside me. That place wants love, maybe even needs love, but love is something Im pretty sure doesn't exist.
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The universe is a big place. If I was lost up there, how would you ever find me
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The Screaming flashed me back to a time when mom and dad were still together if you could call miles apart together.
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Now that I have opened that bottle of memories they're pouring out like wine, crimson and bittersweet.
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You can have your pick of pretty women. Why me? You're like the ocean, Pattyn. Pretty enough on the surface, but dive down into your depths, you'll find beauty most people never see. Lucky me. I fell in, headfirst.
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Love means holding on to someone just as hard as you can because if you don't, one blink and they might disappear...forever.
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