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I talked to Beyonce and she wants to learn how to speak Arabic and she wants to jump out of an airplane. I don't want to do that. I just don't want to wash my hair every day.

Ellen DeGeneres

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Ellen DeGeneres
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 26
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Presenter
Screenwriter
Talk Show Host
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Metairie
Louisiana
Ellen Lee DeGeneres
Learn
Speak
Arabic
Every
Wash
Airplane
Jump
Talked
Hair
Wants

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There's nothing I know for sure, because I know for sure that things change.
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Something big happened over the weekend. Something that affects everybody, all over the world. George Clooney got married.
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Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work.
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First of all, I don't think they have to go that high. That is not necessary, to be that high in the air. I think they're showing off, those pilots. I think we could just go really fast just a few feet off the ground. Just high enough to miss the animals.
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You listen to any monologue on late-night TV or just in general, to people talking, and there's always a joke at someone's expense. It's sarcasm it's nasty. Kids grow up hearing that, and they think that's what humor is, and they think it's OK. But that negativity permeates the entire planet.
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The legend goes that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. I was thinking... that must be hard to put all the tiny seatbelts on all the snakes.
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[Airline food] is the tiniest food I've ever seen in my entire life. Any kind of meat that you get - chicken, steak, anything - has grill marks on each side, like somehow we'll actually believe there's an open-flame grill in the front of the plane.
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I prefer to believe that people are good and honest and respect me enough to tell me the truth. It's not easy to find those people all the time, but they're out there.
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So many people prefer to live in drama because it's comfortable. It's like someone staying in a bad marriage or relationship - it's actually easier to stay because they know what to expect every day, versus leaving and not knowing what to expect.
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I think beauty comes from actually knowing who you are. That's real beauty to me.
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I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.
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We stock up on popcorn and candy like we're crossing the Sierras, don't we? I'll have a couple of soft pretzels, a hot dog, Milk Duds, Snocaps. Is that the largest popcorn you've got there, that bucket? You don't have a barrel or anything like that? Do you have a donkey or a pack mule or anything? - Oh, and a Diet Coke.
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I always like using different muscles, you can take that however you want. But doing something once a year is fantastic, I highly recommended it if you can do it. It's a wonderful thing, it's very freeing and I can put a lot of energy and attention onto it and it's something I love doing.
Ellen DeGeneres
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I do have ADD and in real life, I'm all over the place and can hardly focus. If we were talking for, for more than an hour or so, I'd start drifting off... I can't sit still too long.
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Start thinking positively. You will notice a difference. Instead of 'I think I'm a loser,' try 'I definitely am a loser.' Stop being wishy-washy about things! How much more of a loser can you be if you don't even know you are one? Either you are a loser or you are not. Which is it, stupid?
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Laugh. Laugh as much as you can. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh. Keep doing it even if people are passing you on the street saying, I can't tell if that person is laughing or crying, but either way they seem crazy, let's walk faster. Emote. It's okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling.
Ellen DeGeneres
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We have two dogs, Mabel and Wolf, and three cats at home, Charlie, George and Chairman. We have two cats on our farm, Tom and Little Sister, two horses, and two mini horses, Hannah and Tricky. We also have two cows, Holy and Madonna. And those are only the animals we let sleep in our bed.
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You just have to keep driving down the road. It's going to bend and curve and you'll speed up and slow down, but the road keeps going.
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I cannot imagine not going home to animals. They are the closest thing to God. They don't harbour resentment.
Ellen DeGeneres
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I used to beat myself up about weight and working out, and no matter what I did I never felt good about myself. I decided to accept myself and know that I am good.
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