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You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.

Ellen DeGeneres

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Ellen DeGeneres
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 26
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Presenter
Screenwriter
Talk Show Host
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Metairie
Louisiana
Ellen Lee DeGeneres
Spelled
Ass
Assume
Assuming
Happens
Make
Never

More quotes by Ellen DeGeneres

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People love gossip. It's the biggest thing that keeps the entertainment industry going.
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Right before I decided to come out, I went on a spiritual retreat called 'Changing the Inner Dialogue of Your Subconscious Mind.' I'd never been to anything like it before, and all my friends were taking bets on how long I'd last with no TV, no radio, no phone. But for me that was the beginning of paying attention to all the little things.
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But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things winning an Emmy is not important. Let's get our priorities straight. I think we all know what's really important in life - winning an Oscar.
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That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy.
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I wanted to have money I wanted to be special I wanted people to like me I wanted to be famous.
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In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
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The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.
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Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work.
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For someone like me, who loves to sweat and push herself, it's a challenge to slow down, to sit, to breathe and hold poses.
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It makes a big difference in your life when you stay positive.
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No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it's not about you, that it's about the people who are nominated, and respect that, but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are.
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I cannot believe they haven't yet come up with a better screening process than the mammogram. If a man had to put his special parts inside a clamp to test him for anything, I think they would come up with a new plan before the doctor finished saying, Put that thing there so I can crush it.
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When the message out there is so horrible that, to be gay, you can get killed for it... we need to change the message!!
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I like being busy and juggling a lot of things at the same time. I get bored easily, so I need to do a lot.
Ellen DeGeneres
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When I decided to have my character on the show come out, I knew I was going to have to come out, too. I never wanted to be the lesbian actress. I never wanted to be the spokesperson for the gay community. Ever. I did it for my own truth.
Ellen DeGeneres
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Never follow anyone else’s path, unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path and by all means you should follow that. Don’t give advice, it will come back and bite you in the ass. Don’t take anyone’s advice. So my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.
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First of all, I don't think they have to go that high. That is not necessary, to be that high in the air. I think they're showing off, those pilots. I think we could just go really fast just a few feet off the ground. Just high enough to miss the animals.
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If we lose our phones, we lose our phone books. You don't memorize numbers anymore.
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If there weren't blacks, Jews and gays, there would no Oscars. Or anyone named Oscar, if you think about that.
Ellen DeGeneres
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The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.
Ellen DeGeneres