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What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.

Dylan Moran

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Dylan Moran
Age: 52
Born: 1971
Born: November 3
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Dylan William Moran
Even
Walks
Gibberish
Comedy
Drunks
Morning
Midget
Face
Greet
Talking
Anyway
Faces
Straight
Funny
Walk
Children
Humor

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I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.
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In my personal life, my family makes me laugh more than anybody I think that is the same for everybody. I certainly hope it is.
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I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.
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If you're talking about crowd enthusiasm, it varies. I have a decent following in Australia so I like there. I'm interested in playing everywhere.
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Fruit... it's just God showing off. Look at all the colours I know!
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I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.
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Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.
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I'll have to look into [Washington] D.C. a bit more. I know it's given over to the administration and the bureaucracy connected to it. It's a super-organism of the American state. But there's also a parallel city in there where normal people live.
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I suppose the best comedy shows do have the rock n' roll feeling - if it's a great night, and the roof is raised yeah, it's a similar feeling, sure.
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You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'
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I quite fancy the 1940s. I like the trams and the trousers.
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You’re not going to learn anything if you’re not prepared to go flat, so I’m very happy to go flat.
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You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.
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You've a very important, early decision to make in your life: are you going to be alone, or are you going to be with somebody else? Are you going to be sane, or not lonely? A couple is a strange thing it's an organism that's half as intelligent as the most intelligent member. And you both know who it is!
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I grew up in a house where there was lots of teasing and language play and laughter it was very important. When I was a teenager, you wouldn't go to a bar and find lots of televisions everywhere. People were talking. Talk was the mental fire you would gather around in the evening. It occupied a big part of your existence.
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I've lived in the UK for longer than I lived in Ireland. I'm not worried about myself, but it's ridiculous for youngsters.
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Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.
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You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.
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I thought The Office was good, though I didn't think of it as a sitcom, just as a very good programme.
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I'm just trying to understand what's around me as much as anyone else is, really. To draw a bead on a moving target.
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