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What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.

Dylan Moran

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Dylan Moran
Age: 53
Born: 1971
Born: November 3
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Dylan William Moran
Even
Walks
Gibberish
Comedy
Drunks
Morning
Midget
Face
Greet
Talking
Anyway
Faces
Straight
Funny
Walk
Children
Humor

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I'm organised in some ways, but not in others.
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If I hadn't done this I might have ended up digging the roads.
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America's work ethic is non-stop it's not even enshrined in law that workers have to get their two weeks holiday money. But Americans work harder than everyone else I can think of.
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I quite fancy the 1940s. I like the trams and the trousers.
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You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'
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The American political machinery is awesome to behold in its scale and expense and waste and madness. It's the greatest circus on Earth I suppose.
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You’re not going to learn anything if you’re not prepared to go flat, so I’m very happy to go flat.
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I'm not drunk onstage, although I've done that a couple of times when I was younger. It's partly just the way I talk - I talk like somebody in a rocking chair. I'm your 150-year-old grandmother.
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I always try to address where I am. I'll talk to the people and try to find out what it is about that particular place that makes it distinct from everywhere else.
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In my personal life, my family makes me laugh more than anybody I think that is the same for everybody. I certainly hope it is.
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I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.
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Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.
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Fruit... it's just God showing off. Look at all the colours I know!
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I really can't describe what my stand-up is like - people see it and they say it's like that, or it's like this, and that's really up to them, that's fine, but I don't sit around all day analysing it. I just try and enjoy a show and interest myself because if I don't do that then I won't interest anybody else.
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I'm fascinated by how you'll change your position so many times over a lifetime, but really what you're doing is occupying a series of positions on a landscape.
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Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.
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I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.
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If you're a comic, you don't have a rehearsal room, you rehearse on stage. My main concern is remembering everything.
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We are both drawn to surreal situations so the writing was a joy.
Dylan Moran
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You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.
Dylan Moran