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What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.

Dylan Moran

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Dylan Moran
Age: 53
Born: 1971
Born: November 3
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Dylan William Moran
Faces
Straight
Funny
Walk
Children
Humor
Even
Walks
Gibberish
Comedy
Drunks
Morning
Midget
Face
Greet
Talking
Anyway

More quotes by Dylan Moran

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You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.
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I know there's similar dissatisfaction in America. There's a lot of white people who come from blue collar backgrounds and who feel ill-equipped and badly served by modern economics and the modern job market.
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You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.
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Lots of comics try stuff out all year round, which is very sensible - I don't.
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You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.
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I always try to address where I am. I'll talk to the people and try to find out what it is about that particular place that makes it distinct from everywhere else.
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You've a very important, early decision to make in your life: are you going to be alone, or are you going to be with somebody else? Are you going to be sane, or not lonely? A couple is a strange thing it's an organism that's half as intelligent as the most intelligent member. And you both know who it is!
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If you're talking about crowd enthusiasm, it varies. I have a decent following in Australia so I like there. I'm interested in playing everywhere.
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I'm fascinated by how you'll change your position so many times over a lifetime, but really what you're doing is occupying a series of positions on a landscape.
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Paper acts as an eraser on the mind, as soon as you look at what you've written.
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Fruit... it's just God showing off. Look at all the colours I know!
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He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.
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Some people have told me that I'm grumpy it's not something that I'm aware of. It's not like I walk around poking children in the eye... not very small ones, anyway.
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I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.
Dylan Moran
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I've seen stand up comedy, and after a while you start to notice that a lot of people are doing things that are like a lot of other people. There can be a bit of a herd mentality, and that's obviously less interesting because there's less going on. I'm just being totally frank with you.
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I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.
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You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'
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You can't please everyone, nor should you seek to, because then you won't please anyone, least of all yourself.
Dylan Moran
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You can laugh at somebody because they are innocent, and because they are naive or they are about to walk into a wall, but if somebody's giving you stuff, if somebody's talking, giving you their take on things, what makes you laugh, generally speaking, is going to be somebody who is telling it in an angry way.
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If you're a comic, you don't have a rehearsal room, you rehearse on stage. My main concern is remembering everything.
Dylan Moran