Quote

If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a lift, I could write a better song on the walls.

Dylan Moran

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Dylan Moran
Age: 53
Born: 1971
Born: November 3
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Dylan William Moran
Writing
Covered
Arse
Handle
Arses
Wall
Brooms
Humor
Shoved
Funny
Lift
Song
Walls
Trampoline
Write
Lifts
Trampolines
Better
Oil
Broom

More quotes by Dylan Moran

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I don't know that you're able to measure your aggregate wisdom as you go through life. I can't say that I ever feel that I'm sitting on top of a growing mound of wisdom.
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My drive to put myself on the line comes from boredom. From that feeling when you go to bed and think, 'What did I do today?' It doesn't have to be something monumental, just a feeling that you really tried to look at something, or look into something.
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Children are very overprotected now, in lots of ways. We're very nervous about them. You know, people go, Don't go outside! Or inside! Get into the cupboard with some spinach! When I was a child they'd kick you out and you weren't expected to come back until there were bats!
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There's always a host of voices you're inspired by. I love Don DeLillo, and I love Isaac Bashevis Singer, and I love Beckett, and I love Pinter. He's one of the funniest voices in English literature since Dickens.
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The trend now is to get away from stage bound sitcoms.
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Then you get these articles about how unhealthy life is in the city. You know mobile phone tumours - far more likely in the city. Well you know what, so is everything else! Including sex, coffee and conversation.
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You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.
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You know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...This is fantastic. I'm in heaven.
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He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.
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You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.
Dylan Moran
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I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.
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Shame is one of the greatest aphrodisiacs in the world, anyway, built into religion.
Dylan Moran
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Two young, fit, healthy attractive people in love? There’s nothing worse to look at in the world.
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I'll have to look into [Washington] D.C. a bit more. I know it's given over to the administration and the bureaucracy connected to it. It's a super-organism of the American state. But there's also a parallel city in there where normal people live.
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Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, Quick, get me to casualty quick! while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear.
Dylan Moran
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I really can't describe what my stand-up is like - people see it and they say it's like that, or it's like this, and that's really up to them, that's fine, but I don't sit around all day analysing it. I just try and enjoy a show and interest myself because if I don't do that then I won't interest anybody else.
Dylan Moran
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I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it.
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America's work ethic is non-stop it's not even enshrined in law that workers have to get their two weeks holiday money. But Americans work harder than everyone else I can think of.
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Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.
Dylan Moran
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I'm not drunk onstage, although I've done that a couple of times when I was younger. It's partly just the way I talk - I talk like somebody in a rocking chair. I'm your 150-year-old grandmother.
Dylan Moran