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I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.

Dylan Moran

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Dylan Moran
Age: 53
Born: 1971
Born: November 3
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Dylan William Moran
Humor
Actually
Funny
Footballer
Division
Fourth
Famous

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We are both drawn to surreal situations so the writing was a joy.
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Tequila? It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.
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Women are like canoes, full of soup. At first everyone is suspicious but then everyone wants one.
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Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!
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I'll have to look into [Washington] D.C. a bit more. I know it's given over to the administration and the bureaucracy connected to it. It's a super-organism of the American state. But there's also a parallel city in there where normal people live.
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I don't want to do the same thing over and over again.
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He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.
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My drive to put myself on the line comes from boredom. From that feeling when you go to bed and think, 'What did I do today?' It doesn't have to be something monumental, just a feeling that you really tried to look at something, or look into something.
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I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.
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You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.
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Shame is one of the greatest aphrodisiacs in the world, anyway, built into religion.
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You’re not going to learn anything if you’re not prepared to go flat, so I’m very happy to go flat.
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All the shy people are doomed! Natural selection favors the loud and the aggressive
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You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.
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Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.
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The characters can't be wittier than people are in real life. They have to be character witty.
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I really can't describe what my stand-up is like - people see it and they say it's like that, or it's like this, and that's really up to them, that's fine, but I don't sit around all day analysing it. I just try and enjoy a show and interest myself because if I don't do that then I won't interest anybody else.
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I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it.
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I grew up in a house where there was lots of teasing and language play and laughter it was very important. When I was a teenager, you wouldn't go to a bar and find lots of televisions everywhere. People were talking. Talk was the mental fire you would gather around in the evening. It occupied a big part of your existence.
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You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic.
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