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The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.

Dylan Moran

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Dylan Moran
Age: 53
Born: 1971
Born: November 3
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Dylan William Moran
Constitutionally
Incapable
Ordinary
Humor
Funny
Jobs
Truth

More quotes by Dylan Moran

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You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.
Dylan Moran
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I wanted to show off - a simple impulse or drive in much the same way as some kids wanted to play football, I wanted to show off. Not complicated in that sense, very natural it just depends on how you want to show off.
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You can laugh at somebody because they are innocent, and because they are naive or they are about to walk into a wall, but if somebody's giving you stuff, if somebody's talking, giving you their take on things, what makes you laugh, generally speaking, is going to be somebody who is telling it in an angry way.
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If I hadn't done this I might have ended up digging the roads.
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The measure of a conversation is how much mutual recognition there is in it how much shared there is in it. If you're talking about what's in your own head, or without thought to what people looking and listening will feel, you might as well be in a room talking to yourself.
Dylan Moran
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I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.
Dylan Moran
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What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.
Dylan Moran
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Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!
Dylan Moran
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I don't go around thinking of myself as a great anything.
Dylan Moran
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It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.
Dylan Moran
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You've a very important, early decision to make in your life: are you going to be alone, or are you going to be with somebody else? Are you going to be sane, or not lonely? A couple is a strange thing it's an organism that's half as intelligent as the most intelligent member. And you both know who it is!
Dylan Moran
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You’re not going to learn anything if you’re not prepared to go flat, so I’m very happy to go flat.
Dylan Moran
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I'm not drunk onstage, although I've done that a couple of times when I was younger. It's partly just the way I talk - I talk like somebody in a rocking chair. I'm your 150-year-old grandmother.
Dylan Moran
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I thought The Office was good, though I didn't think of it as a sitcom, just as a very good programme.
Dylan Moran
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Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.
Dylan Moran
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I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.
Dylan Moran
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I quite fancy the 1940s. I like the trams and the trousers.
Dylan Moran
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We are both drawn to surreal situations so the writing was a joy.
Dylan Moran
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I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.
Dylan Moran
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You know, people sometimes say to me, 'Do you prefer to do this or that, act or do stand-up or write' but the thing that I enjoy most is the difference between all of them, because you're always learning. I don't go around thinking of myself as a great anything. I'm actually lucky to have the chance to fail at all of them.
Dylan Moran