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You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.
Dov Davidoff
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Dov Davidoff
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More quotes by Dov Davidoff
Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.
Dov Davidoff
Is it a bad sign when someone asks you about the person your dating and a tear falls from your eye as you leap into oncoming traffic?
Dov Davidoff
Skin heads are doing an awful job of promoting racism. You guys need to loosen up, and for god's sake would it kill you to smile.
Dov Davidoff
Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.
Dov Davidoff
I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.
Dov Davidoff
I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.
Dov Davidoff
Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.
Dov Davidoff
Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.
Dov Davidoff
Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, Satan is a myth... I guess.
Dov Davidoff
Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.
Dov Davidoff
Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?
Dov Davidoff
Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.
Dov Davidoff
Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.
Dov Davidoff
When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
Dov Davidoff
Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.
Dov Davidoff
Only bugs can truly appreciate the beauty of flowers.
Dov Davidoff
We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.
Dov Davidoff
I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.
Dov Davidoff
Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.
Dov Davidoff
Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.
Dov Davidoff