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It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.
Dov Davidoff
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Dov Davidoff
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More quotes by Dov Davidoff
Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.
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If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.
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Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.
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Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.
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Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.
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When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.
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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
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Being anti-social can also mean that you're aware of how annoying it is to be social.
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I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.
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Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?
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Heard someone say children are god's gift to the world. What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?
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Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line.
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The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.
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Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, Satan is a myth... I guess.
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Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.
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Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.
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Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.
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Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.
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Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said southern and sassy, it's all good. Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.
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Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.
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