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Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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More quotes by Dov Davidoff

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Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.
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Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.
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If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.
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The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.
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Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.
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A lot of people in a LA need to take a break from taking a break.
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Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility?
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Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.
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Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.
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Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.
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Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.
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Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.
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America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.
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I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.
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Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.
Dov Davidoff
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Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.
Dov Davidoff
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Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.
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Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.
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Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.
Dov Davidoff
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It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.
Dov Davidoff