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Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
Father
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Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.
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The human spirit is indomitable, unless your talking specifically about the people I know.
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White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.
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TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.
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Comedy is rarely funny.
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Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.
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If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.
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Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.
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Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.
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My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle.
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Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.
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Maybe necrophiliacs are just people that want to have sex without a lot of talking.
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Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, this is going to hurt me more than it will you.
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I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.
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When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.
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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
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I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.
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Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.
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I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.
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Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.
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