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Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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More quotes by Dov Davidoff

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If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.
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Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.
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Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.
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When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.
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Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.
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Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.
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If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.
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Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.
Dov Davidoff
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I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.
Dov Davidoff
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People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.
Dov Davidoff
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Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility?
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False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.
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Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.
Dov Davidoff
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Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.
Dov Davidoff
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If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.
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I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.
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It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.
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Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.
Dov Davidoff
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Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.
Dov Davidoff
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I've decided to become gay, not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.
Dov Davidoff