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Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
Explain
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Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.
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If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.
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Being anti-social can also mean that you're aware of how annoying it is to be social.
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When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.
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When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
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Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.
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Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.
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Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend.
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Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.
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I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.
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Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.
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Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.
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How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?
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Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.
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America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.
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The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.
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I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.
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Latin women enjoy being women more than other women.
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Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.
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Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.
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