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Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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People who say life is precious don't spend much time on line at the airport.
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Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.
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It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.
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Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.
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Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.
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Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.
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Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.
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Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.
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I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.
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Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.
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Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.
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I'm passionate about gay rights, but I think we need admit that there are some gay wrongs as well.
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The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.
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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
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Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.
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If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.
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Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.
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All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.
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You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.
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Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.
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