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Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
Feelings
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Beach
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I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.
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Being anti-social can also mean that you're aware of how annoying it is to be social.
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Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.
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Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.
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Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.
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Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.
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Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.
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Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.
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Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.
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Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.
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Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, this is going to hurt me more than it will you.
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Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?
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I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.
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Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.
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Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.
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Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.
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White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.
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Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.
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People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of the time.
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If you hug someone goodbye and their response is what the hell are you doing? - you may want to examine you're definition of close friend.
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