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Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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Suicide
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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
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Maybe necrophiliacs are just people that want to have sex without a lot of talking.
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What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don't want to do just for sex. Isn't that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there'd be condoms all over my PlayStation.
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Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.
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I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.
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Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.
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Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.
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If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.
Dov Davidoff
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Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life.
Dov Davidoff
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Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.
Dov Davidoff
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Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.
Dov Davidoff
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I'm passionate about gay rights, but I think we need admit that there are some gay wrongs as well.
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Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.
Dov Davidoff
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Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.
Dov Davidoff
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Only bugs can truly appreciate the beauty of flowers.
Dov Davidoff
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If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person.
Dov Davidoff
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I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.
Dov Davidoff
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If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.
Dov Davidoff
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When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.
Dov Davidoff
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I've decided to become gay, not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.
Dov Davidoff