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Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend.
Dov Davidoff
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Dov Davidoff
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More quotes by Dov Davidoff
Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.
Dov Davidoff
Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.
Dov Davidoff
We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.
Dov Davidoff
I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.
Dov Davidoff
Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.
Dov Davidoff
Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.
Dov Davidoff
Comedy is rarely funny.
Dov Davidoff
Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.
Dov Davidoff
I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.
Dov Davidoff
Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.
Dov Davidoff
The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.
Dov Davidoff
It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.
Dov Davidoff
It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.
Dov Davidoff
How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?
Dov Davidoff
Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?
Dov Davidoff
Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.
Dov Davidoff
People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.
Dov Davidoff
I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.
Dov Davidoff
Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.
Dov Davidoff
Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.
Dov Davidoff