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Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.
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It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.
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I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.
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I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.
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Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility?
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If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.
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Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.
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The human spirit is indomitable, unless your talking specifically about the people I know.
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Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?
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All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.
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America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.
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Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.
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TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.
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Sleep is over rated, then again so is being awake.
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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
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The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.
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When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.
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Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.
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Skin heads are doing an awful job of promoting racism. You guys need to loosen up, and for god's sake would it kill you to smile.
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Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.
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