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Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.
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Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.
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You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.
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The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.
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Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.
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Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?
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Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said southern and sassy, it's all good. Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.
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I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.
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Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.
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Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.
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I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.
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Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.
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Do you love me for me?... I don't even love me for me.
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Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.
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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
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Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life.
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Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.
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Is it a bad sign when someone asks you about the person your dating and a tear falls from your eye as you leap into oncoming traffic?
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The human spirit is indomitable, unless your talking specifically about the people I know.
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Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.
Dov Davidoff