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We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.
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Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.
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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
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Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.
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Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.
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People that say I'm really sensitive rarely are.
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I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.
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Heard someone say children are god's gift to the world. What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?
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America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.
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When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.
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MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.
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Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.
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Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.
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Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.
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You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.
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