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You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
Lived
Produce
Fear
Long
Organic
Lack
Prison

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I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.
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You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.
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I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.
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The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.
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Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.
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The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.
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The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.
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When rappers call each other son it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.
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Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.
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Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.
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Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.
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I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.
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Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.
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Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.
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Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.
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Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.
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When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
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TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.
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Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.
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Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.
Dov Davidoff