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You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
Fear
Long
Organic
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Prison
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Produce

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The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.
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Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.
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Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.
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Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.
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What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don't want to do just for sex. Isn't that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there'd be condoms all over my PlayStation.
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People who say life is precious don't spend much time on line at the airport.
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I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.
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America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.
Dov Davidoff
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We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.
Dov Davidoff
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Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy.
Dov Davidoff
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Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?
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Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.
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A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.
Dov Davidoff
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If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.
Dov Davidoff
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If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.
Dov Davidoff
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I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.
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Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.
Dov Davidoff
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Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.
Dov Davidoff
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Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.
Dov Davidoff
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MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.
Dov Davidoff