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Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.
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I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.
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I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.
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Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.
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Comedy is rarely funny.
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All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.
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We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.
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Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.
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America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.
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The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.
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Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.
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I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.
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Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.
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Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.
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Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.
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When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
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Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.
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Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.
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People that say I'm really sensitive rarely are.
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Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.
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