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I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.
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When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.
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Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?
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America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.
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The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.
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Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.
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No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.
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The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.
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Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.
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How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?
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What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don't want to do just for sex. Isn't that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there'd be condoms all over my PlayStation.
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The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.
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Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.
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Heard someone say children are god's gift to the world. What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?
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Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.
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Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.
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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
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A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.
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Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.
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