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Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.
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Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.
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Only bugs can truly appreciate the beauty of flowers.
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Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.
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Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.
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Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.
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Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.
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The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.
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Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?
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Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.
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You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.
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When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.
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Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.
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The rift between culture and pop-culture has never been greater.
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I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.
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The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.
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The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.
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The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.
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Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.
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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
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