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Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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More quotes by Dov Davidoff

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You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.
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We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.
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Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.
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Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.
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Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.
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It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.
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I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.
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I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.
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No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.
Dov Davidoff
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If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.
Dov Davidoff
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A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.
Dov Davidoff
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I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.
Dov Davidoff
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The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.
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If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.
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Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.
Dov Davidoff
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Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, this is going to hurt me more than it will you.
Dov Davidoff
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The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.
Dov Davidoff
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Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.
Dov Davidoff
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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
Dov Davidoff
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I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.
Dov Davidoff