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Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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Every
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Polygraph
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You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.
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I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.
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I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.
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Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.
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If you hug someone goodbye and their response is what the hell are you doing? - you may want to examine you're definition of close friend.
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The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.
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Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.
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Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.
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Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.
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Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.
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It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.
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Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.
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Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.
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The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.
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Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.
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People that say I'm really sensitive rarely are.
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Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.
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I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.
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Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.
Dov Davidoff
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TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.
Dov Davidoff