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My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.
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Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.
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I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.
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Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, Satan is a myth... I guess.
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What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don't want to do just for sex. Isn't that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there'd be condoms all over my PlayStation.
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If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.
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Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.
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I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.
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The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.
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Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.
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Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.
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You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.
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Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.
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The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.
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If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person.
Dov Davidoff