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Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of the time.
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Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.
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The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.
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Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.
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I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.
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A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.
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The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.
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Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.
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Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.
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Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.
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America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.
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Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.
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Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.
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Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?
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Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.
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Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.
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America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.
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I'm passionate about gay rights, but I think we need admit that there are some gay wrongs as well.
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Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.
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