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If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.
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I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.
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Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.
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Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.
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Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.
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When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.
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Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.
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You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.
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Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.
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Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.
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I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.
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People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.
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My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.
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We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.
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Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.
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Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.
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I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.
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What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don't want to do just for sex. Isn't that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there'd be condoms all over my PlayStation.
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Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.
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Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.
Dov Davidoff