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Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.
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People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.
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Is it a bad sign when someone asks you about the person your dating and a tear falls from your eye as you leap into oncoming traffic?
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America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.
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People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.
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We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.
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The rift between culture and pop-culture has never been greater.
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I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.
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Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.
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If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person.
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Is there anything more attractive than a woman in high heels and low self esteem?
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Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.
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We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.
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MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.
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When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
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Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.
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Comedy is rarely funny.
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I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.
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No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.
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