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Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle.
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I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.
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Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.
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Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said southern and sassy, it's all good. Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.
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If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.
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Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.
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Only bugs can truly appreciate the beauty of flowers.
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Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.
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Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.
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Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.
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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
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I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.
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Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.
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Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.
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Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.
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Is it a bad sign when someone asks you about the person your dating and a tear falls from your eye as you leap into oncoming traffic?
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False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.
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