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Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
Think
Driving
Thinking
Drive
Lack
Move
Sleep
Talk
Moving

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Maybe necrophiliacs are just people that want to have sex without a lot of talking.
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How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?
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Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.
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Being anti-social can also mean that you're aware of how annoying it is to be social.
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Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.
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Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.
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Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.
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America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.
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Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.
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Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.
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I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.
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I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.
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Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.
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White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.
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Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.
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Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.
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Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.
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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
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It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.
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I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.
Dov Davidoff